mom on a mission

this is my blog, my opnions, my play pen. dont like what you read, move on!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


Not sure why this bothers me but it does, and what really sucks is that I DONT want it to! ugh.
Kristopher has kown hes adopted since, like birth. He knows he didn't grow in my belly but in TiTi's. Recently ive been telling him about his brother (from bio mom ) and he is very excited to know he has a brother since all he has are sisters. Sometimes I feel im not enough for him, that our family isn't enough.  I know rationally that isn't true, I know we are his mommy and daddy and sisters.  But I didn't give him a brother. He wont grow up with him, he wont see him every day, so he will be missing something. He will be missing something I cant fulfill. I love his bio mom, she is like my daughter, her son is loved by me also, but she has something I don't, kristophers brother. im sure she feels the same about me sometimes, and so I know it sucks! We both love him so very much and we both have his love in different ways.  Sometimes I wish I could be enough for him sometimes I wish I didn't have to share his love, but then I think of my son! How could I deny him his roots? How could I deny him his bio brother? I couldn't! I wouldn't, I will just have to put my insecurities aside for him, and embrace it all! This is the hidden or ugly side of adoption. We all have to to put ourselves out there for the child, knowing sometimes it may not always end up good! Im lucky, WE are lucky, we have a great growing relationship with his bio mom and will continue to grow as an extended family..

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

brothers, sisters, and all inbetween!

While this post doesn't have a lot to do with open adoption, it still falls along the lines of adoption. Today is my moms birthday, she would have been 74 but God decided he needed her in heaven with my Dad so he called her home last October 25. How ironic, that is my birthday. Being adopted, and being an only child, the thought of loosing my mom after my dad passed really scared me. Who would love me unconditionally like they did, who will have my back no matter what, will accept all my faults, will be there for me?  Those were all questions I asked for years to myself. Yes im married and have an incredible husband, and incredible children, but once my mom passed, I felt alone, kind of like no one to connect to. 4 years ago I  met my brother. To most people who have siblings im sure your thinking,,ya so? But to me it was priceless!!! YES my husband is awesome and my kids are great but I have have a connection! I real life connection! my mom and dad are gone but somewhere in this world I had a brother! WHO KNEW? lol We goof around like any other brother or sister, we get on each others nerves, ( he irritates me ) shhh lol, but hes mine. He is part of me and I am part of him and there is nothing he or I can do about it ! I wish he was around to piss me off as a child but that was not our destiny. Hes here now, and no matter what "mom" raised us, we are still connected, no paper, no nothing can change the fact that I am connected to someone.  To most people with brothers and sisters take that for granted like im sure my kiddos do, but for someone like me, knowing I have this person out there that will have my back, accept me no matter how irritating I can be, is comforting. I don't feel like an "orphan". I have an amazing family, my aunt is a constant and important part of my life and so is my husband and kids, sometimes I wonder  if she feels the way I do, her sister (my mom) is gone, her brother has passed also,we kind of have each other. Im just glad that I have a sibling, that I was fortunate enough to find him, that he was accepting enough to have me, and no matter what, im not alone. I grew up an only child wanting and hoping for a sibling, and low and behold 37 years later, I got one  :)

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

damaged adoptees!

Sometimes I never think about  being adopted, Sometimes its all I can think about. There are times I realize that some of my behaviors even as an adult are a product of me being adopted. I shy away from physical affection, hugs, kisses etc. Not that my mom and dad didn't hug or kiss me or tell me they loved me! GOD if they didn't do it 10 times a day they never did lol.  It is common for adoption issues to remain hidden until adolescence. Sometimes kids  seems well adjusted and happy during the early years and then everything comes out during the teen years. It is also very common for some kids to stay in denial and hide deep feelings from their parents.  Even though we may have been adopted into great families like I was, we are still "damaged." I HATE that word, but it kind of fits. Our biological parents did some damage to us, we suffered the loss of our biological parents, the loss of our biological siblings (if any) the loss of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. As an adult now I realize , wow I acted out!!! Not crazy things, but subtle, to make my point know.  In my younger years, I would say "your not my real mother" as a teen I would say, " you don't know what its like to be pregnant and have a baby, so don't lecture me " GOD how awful!!! I was "testing" the one woman who showed me unconditional love! I was hurting the one person who would have my back no matter what! I did that because somewhere DEEP inside me I doubted! (how can someone who didn't carry me, give birth to me) love me the way she says???? I went through my life thinking that UNTIL the day my son came into my life, not by birth! He was handed to me, someone else carried him, gave birth to him, but yet my love for him was unwavering! THEN, THEN I understood! There was nothing that could change my love for him. That's when I understood! It took me until adulthood to realize that my mom and dad HAD PURE LOVE for me!!Not a little love,  not pitty love, but they loved me as their own!!! As an adoptive mom, I know I may have to deal with this with my son, but nothing, nothing he would do or say will change my love for him.   "Not flesh of my bone, but still miraculously my own, never forget for a minute,  you didn't grow under my heart, but in it! "  Us adopted children need support, even as adults. Our grief over the loss of our biological parents is REAL! If the adoptive parents are not willing to acknowledge the loss, expect rebellion from your adopted child! It can be worse if your child doesn't look like the family. That child is smacked with the fact that they are different. No matter how much you love, hug , kiss, give , will never change that for that child. Adopted children need to know their feelings of loss are VALIDATED!!!!!!! We who have been adopted SUFFERED, yes suffered loss! We lost a lot! If the adoptive parents cant or wont validate that then shame on them! No matter how bad,  no matter how "defective" no matter what, validate that childs feelings! My son knows he is loved. And I know he may need to grieve sometime later in life, and if and when  that is, I will be there to validate his feelings, and be his rock!

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

who are we??

How do we define ourselves? that's a question ive asked myself a lot lately. I am a  mom, a daughter, wife, friend, aunt, niece, teacher, biker. There is also a lot more to me that I cant find adjectives to describe. I am navigating this open adoption basically on my own. I am a mom to my 5 girls and my 1 son. My girls have sisters and a brother, and my son has sisters and a brother, But there is a difference, He doesn't share a brother with any one! He has know about his adoption since he was able to understand. I have never kept the secret of him having a brother.  Latley ive had mixed advise/feelings from people. There are 2 basic things,,,,
1. omg you told him he has a brother??
2. Does he know why his brother isn't with him?
To both those questions the answer is a resounding YES!
I had to wait 37 years to know I had a sibling (brother) there was no way I was going to let my son loose out on what I lost out on. Yes he has sisters who let me tell you will show their claws if ANYONE messes with their brother! But  2 boys, brothers, that's something that will be special to him.  K (bio mom) and I are navigating this on our own! We have no help. We have no support except each other. Both of us have our fears going forward. I listen to her worries and she listens to mine. Our story is ever evolving! Not sure if I will ever be able to define myself as others do. Not sure she will, not sure my son will, but one thing is for sure, we are a FAMILY! That blood is thicker than water crap, can go take a hike! I will say, we may not be able to define ourselves as individuals, but saying Family sounds great to me!