ugh

Not sure why this bothers me but it does, and what really sucks is that I DONT want it to! ugh.

Kristopher has kown hes adopted since, like birth. He knows he didn't grow in my belly but in TiTi's. Recently ive been telling him about his brother (from bio mom ) and he is very excited to know he has a brother since all he has are sisters. Sometimes I feel im not enough for him, that our family isn't enough.  I know rationally that isn't true, I know we are his mommy and daddy and sisters.  But I didn't give him a brother. He wont grow up with him, he wont see him every day, so he will be missing something. He will be missing something I cant fulfill. I love his bio mom, she is like my daughter, her son is loved by me also, but she has something I don't, kristophers brother. im sure she feels the same about me sometimes, and so I know it sucks! We both love him so very much and we both have his love in different ways.  Sometimes I wish I could be enough for him sometimes I wish I didn't have to share his love, but then I think of my son! How could I deny him his roots? How could I deny him his bio brother? I couldn't! I wouldn't, I will just have to put my insecurities aside for him, and embrace it all! This is the hidden or ugly side of adoption. We all have to to put ourselves out there for the child, knowing sometimes it may not always end up good! Im lucky, WE are lucky, we have a great growing relationship with his bio mom and will continue to grow as an extended family..

brothers, sisters, and all inbetween!

While this post doesn't have a lot to do with open adoption, it still falls along the lines of adoption. Today is my moms birthday, she would have been 74 but God decided he needed her in heaven with my Dad so he called her home last October 25. How ironic, that is my birthday. Being adopted, and being an only child, the thought of loosing my mom after my dad passed really scared me. Who would love me unconditionally like they did, who will have my back no matter what, will accept all my faults, will be there for me?  Those were all questions I asked for years to myself. Yes im married and have an incredible husband, and incredible children, but once my mom passed, I felt alone, kind of like no one to connect to. 4 years ago I  met my brother. To most people who have siblings im sure your thinking,,ya so? But to me it was priceless!!! YES my husband is awesome and my kids are great but I have have a connection! I real life connection! my mom and dad are gone but somewhere in this world I had a brother! WHO KNEW? lol We goof around like any other brother or sister, we get on each others nerves, ( he irritates me ) shhh lol, but hes mine. He is part of me and I am part of him and there is nothing he or I can do about it ! I wish he was around to piss me off as a child but that was not our destiny. Hes here now, and no matter what "mom" raised us, we are still connected, no paper, no nothing can change the fact that I am connected to someone.  To most people with brothers and sisters take that for granted like im sure my kiddos do, but for someone like me, knowing I have this person out there that will have my back, accept me no matter how irritating I can be, is comforting. I don't feel like an "orphan". I have an amazing family, my aunt is a constant and important part of my life and so is my husband and kids, sometimes I wonder  if she feels the way I do, her sister (my mom) is gone, her brother has passed also,we kind of have each other. Im just glad that I have a sibling, that I was fortunate enough to find him, that he was accepting enough to have me, and no matter what, im not alone. I grew up an only child wanting and hoping for a sibling, and low and behold 37 years later, I got one  :)