life turned upside down

Sometimes you just want to hear, “I’m that really SUCKS"

Or even, “I understand why your so stressed"
“That must be hard.”

I don’t necessarily want everything to be fixed, made better. I want arms to wrap around me, pull me close and hold me while I cry tears of confusion and anxiety. I want a hand to pet my hair and to wipe away my tears, smear my not-quite-waterproof mascara and kiss the marks on my face.

Maybe mostly because I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t understand why I feel this a crushing blow, . For me, not understanding something makes my anxiety skyrocket. I hate that feeling of confusion, of not being in control of myself — let alone a situation over which I will not, do not and will not have control. The fact that I am feeling something that i cant fix   makes me angry, with myself as well as the situation at hand. It’s a cycle of messy feelings, confusing thoughts and general angst.
I hate myself in these moments!!! i want to be strong for every one!!! I avoid looking at myself in the mirror — I’m mad — but at myself. For being mad, for not bein able to fix this!!!!!