mom on a mission

this is my blog, my opnions, my play pen. dont like what you read, move on!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My journey with adoption began before I was born. It was the 1970s unwed pregnancy was still a hush-hush topic, shrouded in shame. 

She gave birth to me in a medication-induced haze , and then I was the one who was whisked away. She never saw me or held me. She signed the paperwork that said she was giving me up of her own free will and was not coerced.

I don’t have a conscious memory of the first hours of my life, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a lot of fun, and on some level, I probably do have a memory of that time that I hold in my body and carry to this day. In those days, it was believed (and a lot of people still believe this) that an infant could be separated from its biological mother and given to another caregiver, and, as long as its basic needs were met by someone, the infant wouldn’t know the difference.  I believe the infant very much notices the absence of the biological mother that it has bonded with in the womb. I believe that I felt my birthmother's absence in every cell of my body, and knew thatsomething had gone terribly wrong. Fear, rage, powerlessness: this was my introduction to the world.

Its been 40 years and i still have trouble with affection, i shy away from physical touch, more likely than not because for the first 5 days of my life,  i was left alone in a nursery awaiting my adoptive parents to be allowed to see me and touch me.  i was never held by my biological mother let alone loved by her.  being adopted isnt something that goes away, its not something that you can forget, it stays with you, it haunts you, thats why adoption reform is so much needed.  people deserve to know their original birth names! they deserve to know their biological families names! they deserve to know their roots no matter how good or bad!!! 
adoptive parents wonder why sometimes their adoptive children are acting out,,,HELLOOOOOOO these children have suffered a loss! A genuine and real loss! they lost the first person in their life that they had a connection too. its real!!!! children need to be given a chance to grieve that loss! sometimes the grief is accepted at an early age, but not always the case! my son was  ok, and i thank god for that, but i believe its because we have an open and honest relationship with kayla, he may feel the loss of his bio father, but i believe dans love and time with him will elivate all issues!!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

wish, prayer hope!

there isnt much that gets me nervous, roller coasters, planes, needles, adoption. oh did i say adoption?
 Yup at times it makes me nervous.  Being adopted myself, i try not to let it define me.  Now that kristopher is getting older, i know the "real" time is comming.  If you ask him he will tell you he grew in tee tees belly.  Yet he  doesnt understand the full concept! ITs right around the corner and yup it makes me nervous.  Nervous that i wont live up to his expectations , that im not enough! Having Naythan here helps, it makes me feel better, because kris will know we accept naythan as part of our family .  people look at me and say,, wow u have it all together, when in reality i dont! im not an expert, im not perfect, im not  super mom, im just an average woman, going through life like every one! My girls know i love them, there isnt a doubt, but being adopted, as much as we love our son, im so worried that he wont feel it enough.  I want him to know that he not only has 5 sisters that love him more than life, but a biological brother who will hopefully look up to him someday, and kris can "show him the ropes" Thats my wish, thats my prayer, that's my hope!!!!!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

im back!

gosh its been a longg time since i blogged.  ive been busy, work, kids, taking care of my mom, its exhausting.  I blog alot about adoption, and how i like openess, but here is a reason i now want to take a step back. back in october, i received a txt from my birth mother, stating that SHE needs to work on her issues so she needs to be alone! hmmm isnt that the reason you gave me up? oh, wait she uses "placed" so more politically correct! NOT!
I allowed this stranger into my life, a life she chose to walk away from 40 years ago. Again, i get shit on! i must have a sign across my forehead, go ahead, shit on me! Not many people have to feel rejection 2 times in their life, but guess who won that prize too...ME! Rejected! I have an open adoption for my son because i dont want him to ever feel rejected, but sometimes i want to put him in a bubble so he never has to feel the pain that i do. Adoption shouldnt be a term that defines a person, it should just be a part of them, but for many like myself, it has become who we are, adopted, (given up, tossed aside) i hope adoption reform begins to change this, my hope is that no child will ever feel the pain of rejection and by having an open adoption from the get go will hopefully eleiviate this!