mom on a mission

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Tuesday, August 20, 2013

damaged adoptees!

Sometimes I never think about  being adopted, Sometimes its all I can think about. There are times I realize that some of my behaviors even as an adult are a product of me being adopted. I shy away from physical affection, hugs, kisses etc. Not that my mom and dad didn't hug or kiss me or tell me they loved me! GOD if they didn't do it 10 times a day they never did lol.  It is common for adoption issues to remain hidden until adolescence. Sometimes kids  seems well adjusted and happy during the early years and then everything comes out during the teen years. It is also very common for some kids to stay in denial and hide deep feelings from their parents.  Even though we may have been adopted into great families like I was, we are still "damaged." I HATE that word, but it kind of fits. Our biological parents did some damage to us, we suffered the loss of our biological parents, the loss of our biological siblings (if any) the loss of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. As an adult now I realize , wow I acted out!!! Not crazy things, but subtle, to make my point know.  In my younger years, I would say "your not my real mother" as a teen I would say, " you don't know what its like to be pregnant and have a baby, so don't lecture me " GOD how awful!!! I was "testing" the one woman who showed me unconditional love! I was hurting the one person who would have my back no matter what! I did that because somewhere DEEP inside me I doubted! (how can someone who didn't carry me, give birth to me) love me the way she says???? I went through my life thinking that UNTIL the day my son came into my life, not by birth! He was handed to me, someone else carried him, gave birth to him, but yet my love for him was unwavering! THEN, THEN I understood! There was nothing that could change my love for him. That's when I understood! It took me until adulthood to realize that my mom and dad HAD PURE LOVE for me!!Not a little love,  not pitty love, but they loved me as their own!!! As an adoptive mom, I know I may have to deal with this with my son, but nothing, nothing he would do or say will change my love for him.   "Not flesh of my bone, but still miraculously my own, never forget for a minute,  you didn't grow under my heart, but in it! "  Us adopted children need support, even as adults. Our grief over the loss of our biological parents is REAL! If the adoptive parents are not willing to acknowledge the loss, expect rebellion from your adopted child! It can be worse if your child doesn't look like the family. That child is smacked with the fact that they are different. No matter how much you love, hug , kiss, give , will never change that for that child. Adopted children need to know their feelings of loss are VALIDATED!!!!!!! We who have been adopted SUFFERED, yes suffered loss! We lost a lot! If the adoptive parents cant or wont validate that then shame on them! No matter how bad,  no matter how "defective" no matter what, validate that childs feelings! My son knows he is loved. And I know he may need to grieve sometime later in life, and if and when  that is, I will be there to validate his feelings, and be his rock!

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