mom on a mission

this is my blog, my opnions, my play pen. dont like what you read, move on!

Sunday, October 9, 2016


15 years ago I wasn't feeling to well.  I swore i felt pregnant! But how?? I had an IUD. I mean they are about 99.99% effective so how could that be? Well it turned out to be true! I quickly called the doctor after the positive home test and was told to come in immediately for an ultra sound. Upon arrival at the doctor an ultra sound confirmed the pregnancy. I was estimated to be about 3 months along. When danny got home I told him about the events of the day and we were both stunned by happy. Happy to add child number 5.  I was told that being 3 months along it was to dangerous to attempt a removal of the IUD, so the pregnancy would have to continue with it in place.

The weeks to follow were bi weekly ultra sounds to check on baby #5.  Every other week I was able to see the baby get bigger and bigger.  We could also see the IUD which was strange. Baby had a strong heart beat, great measurements and all in all appeared to be a healthy pregnancy.  On October 9th I was going in for my routine ultra sound but with the excitement of learning the gender of baby #5.  All started as usual.  Exchanged hello's with the tech i'd grown to get to know over the past weeks, and she began my scan. About 1 minute into the scan I had a sinking feeling something wasn't right.  She turned the screen and got very quiet. I attempted to ask questions, but she just said she was very busy gathering measurements and getting good angle pictures.  At the end of the scan she asked me to stay put and wait for the doctor which i thought was strange, but I waited. What seemed like days, the doctor came in, said hello, and said he was going to re do the scan. I waited while the room was silent.
After a few minutes he turned the screen to me and showed me what he had been doing. He was anxiously looking for the heart beat. The screen was blank,, there was no beeping sound that I became used to hearing over the past few months. I was told the news, the baby passed away. I was just about 19 weeks pregnant, the GREY area in Ma for delivery or D&E. I was able to choose. I hastily  chose a D&E because i kept crying i can't deliver a dead baby.

I was given some medication to take for 2 days until the D&E. The medicine was to help dilate me , because to do a D&E you must dilate to at least 5cm.  The day came October 11,2001. Danny and i went to the hospital knowing this was the last time id be pregnant with baby5. Before the surgery, the doctor came in, went over everything, and we asked if he would please let us know the gender of this baby.  I was taken in, about 2 hours later i woke in recovery. The doctor came in, i asked how it all went, he said he would be unable to tell us the gender because the baby was bigger than anticipated and he had to be more Aggressive.  That was devastating news, but an autopsy had to be done so in about 8 weeks, we would have answers as to why this seemingly healthy babies heart just stopped.

Days, turned into weeks. I was in a fog.  I did what i needed to do , got up, took care of kids, cleaned, and went to bed.  I EXISTED. Thats it. Some time in Late November i got up the courage to call the doctors to see if they had any tests back yet. The doctor called me back later in the day and we had a long conversation. A lot i don't remember because as the doctor discussed with me the findings it went like this... "We have the results back from the autopsy.  HE was a perfectly normal healthy fetus, HIS organs were shutting down because HIS placenta was damaged by the IUD! HE... HIS... It was a boy! Our boy. I remember sobbing, blaming myself for not knowing i was pregnant earlier on. The doctor ended up telling me he knew the day of the surgery that it was a boy, but he didn't think we could handle that information at that time and wanted to give us time to process the loss.

We lost our son, my girls lost a brother. It was devastating . Im the product of adoption. i was adopted at birth. When i hear a birth mother say she LOST her child to adoption,, the ANGER in my wells up and its very hard to contain. NO MY DEAR you didn't LOOSE ME!!! You made your choice. I didn't have a choice and i LOST my son. Don't EVER confuse the two!!

OCTOBER 11,2011  Jonathon Botelho

No comments:

Post a Comment