HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! NOT!

 Today is a bitter sweet day for me. Most people celebrate their birthday with cake, ice-cream, presents. I on the other hand try to forget mine for not 1 but 2 reasons.  The first, its the day my biological mother decided,, AH, I don't want another child and signed over her rights to me, and second, the day mom MOM MY REAL MOM passed away!! Any one who knew her knows this isn't that weird, because well, my mom was weird lol!!!! In a good way!

The first reason really should not bother me because I had a fantastic life and would not be who I am today if i was raised by my incubator.  But as a mom times 7, 5 bio and 2 adopted, How the HELL can you walk away from a baby? I mean, Im a firm believer in open adoptions, which I have with my oldest son.  Sometimes a woman just couldn't do it,, but she TRIED. Didn't walk away.  She's still involved.  Ya sure, i get it ,, drugs could be a factor,, but , it wasn't, alcohol could be a factor, but it wasn't, poverty could be a factor but, it wasn't.  I was just the fact of doing whats best for me (as she stated) but in reality it was best for HER.  ANY HOO, that was my rant of the day on reason number one.

Reason number two, a lot more emotional for me.  For the last 2 years of her life we all took a hand in helping her. Making dinner, making Tea, (and for the record it was never RIGHT LOL). Doctors appointments, chemo appointments. And the day b4 my birthday I had the wonderful opportunity to try out my CPR skills on my mom who decided to stop breathing in the back seat on the way to her doctors appointment! GO MOM!!! Did i get a THANK YOU melissa for saving my life? NOPE!! I got OMG what did you do to my ribs!!! You were so rough!!!! REALLY MOTHER!~!
 But that was her! lol. Even with her last few cognitive breaths, she still asked for her dam E cigaret which she was actually able to take a few drags of. AGAIN.. doesn't surprise me. lol. But in the end, she lost the battle, and with that , so did I!  I lost my friend, my greatest cheerleader, my MOM! So instead of cake and ice cream on my birthday, I reflect on my beginning, and her end. And in the words of my mom... GOD BE WITH YOU!
 RIP mom.. i love you

Times, they are a changing

Yesterday was a first. I went with my daughter to choose a WEDDING DRESS!!! Where has the time gone?  For so many years I had little ones running amuck in the house. Ages ranged from 5,4,2,1! Busy busy busy! During those early years I sometimes wished time would hurry because I was exhausted, frustrated, and just kidded out! Time did begin moving along and I found myself with a a few in middle school, some in elemementary school and preschool. With that life was crazy hectic. Softball practice, softball games, birthday parties, sleep overs, school dances! ughhh. Again I wished for things to hurry along. Then in 2003 We added a 5th to this brood. Ages 9,8,6,5, Newborn. What were we thinking?  From finally sleeping all night to up again every 2-3 hours with a newborn. But again things began to normal out, then i got the crazy idea to do foster care. i know what was i nuts ??? We added our 6th child in 06. Now with teenagers all the way down to infant, it was drivers ed, permits, licences!!! The times WERE changing. Instead of my worries be of diaper rash, runny noses, falls, cuts, homework,, It was are they safe? Are they were they said they were going? Did they arrive safe? Did any one drink? The worries became so different. Boy what i would have done for those early worries. 
Then comes the boyfriends,  proms, graduations, college! How different life was becomming. Why did i want things to hurry along? Why did i want them to grow up? So to lessen my slowly empty nest, introuduce child 7 in 2014!  Now i am sure people were thinking i should be committed at this point.
So yet again, sleepless nights, colds, falls, cuts, bruises, developemental milestones,,bla bla bla.
Fast forward to 2016.. 3 Highschool graduates, 1 hairdresser, 1 college grad in banking, 1 hs grad working full time and going to school, 1 senior, 8th grade 4th grade , toddler. All the while my oldest announces her engagement!!!
With one in diapers and one getting married... boy Times they are a changing. And now, oh how I wished they could stay the same !

Loss

15 years ago I wasn't feeling to well.  I swore i felt pregnant! But how?? I had an IUD. I mean they are about 99.99% effective so how could that be? Well it turned out to be true! I quickly called the doctor after the positive home test and was told to come in immediately for an ultra sound. Upon arrival at the doctor an ultra sound confirmed the pregnancy. I was estimated to be about 3 months along. When danny got home I told him about the events of the day and we were both stunned by happy. Happy to add child number 5.  I was told that being 3 months along it was to dangerous to attempt a removal of the IUD, so the pregnancy would have to continue with it in place.

The weeks to follow were bi weekly ultra sounds to check on baby #5.  Every other week I was able to see the baby get bigger and bigger.  We could also see the IUD which was strange. Baby had a strong heart beat, great measurements and all in all appeared to be a healthy pregnancy.  On October 9th I was going in for my routine ultra sound but with the excitement of learning the gender of baby #5.  All started as usual.  Exchanged hello's with the tech i'd grown to get to know over the past weeks, and she began my scan. About 1 minute into the scan I had a sinking feeling something wasn't right.  She turned the screen and got very quiet. I attempted to ask questions, but she just said she was very busy gathering measurements and getting good angle pictures.  At the end of the scan she asked me to stay put and wait for the doctor which i thought was strange, but I waited. What seemed like days, the doctor came in, said hello, and said he was going to re do the scan. I waited while the room was silent.
After a few minutes he turned the screen to me and showed me what he had been doing. He was anxiously looking for the heart beat. The screen was blank,, there was no beeping sound that I became used to hearing over the past few months. I was told the news, the baby passed away. I was just about 19 weeks pregnant, the GREY area in Ma for delivery or D&E. I was able to choose. I hastily  chose a D&E because i kept crying i can't deliver a dead baby.

I was given some medication to take for 2 days until the D&E. The medicine was to help dilate me , because to do a D&E you must dilate to at least 5cm.  The day came October 11,2001. Danny and i went to the hospital knowing this was the last time id be pregnant with baby5. Before the surgery, the doctor came in, went over everything, and we asked if he would please let us know the gender of this baby.  I was taken in, about 2 hours later i woke in recovery. The doctor came in, i asked how it all went, he said he would be unable to tell us the gender because the baby was bigger than anticipated and he had to be more Aggressive.  That was devastating news, but an autopsy had to be done so in about 8 weeks, we would have answers as to why this seemingly healthy babies heart just stopped.

Days, turned into weeks. I was in a fog.  I did what i needed to do , got up, took care of kids, cleaned, and went to bed.  I EXISTED. Thats it. Some time in Late November i got up the courage to call the doctors to see if they had any tests back yet. The doctor called me back later in the day and we had a long conversation. A lot i don't remember because as the doctor discussed with me the findings it went like this... "We have the results back from the autopsy.  HE was a perfectly normal healthy fetus, HIS organs were shutting down because HIS placenta was damaged by the IUD! HE... HIS... It was a boy! Our boy. I remember sobbing, blaming myself for not knowing i was pregnant earlier on. The doctor ended up telling me he knew the day of the surgery that it was a boy, but he didn't think we could handle that information at that time and wanted to give us time to process the loss.

We lost our son, my girls lost a brother. It was devastating . Im the product of adoption. i was adopted at birth. When i hear a birth mother say she LOST her child to adoption,, the ANGER in my wells up and its very hard to contain. NO MY DEAR you didn't LOOSE ME!!! You made your choice. I didn't have a choice and i LOST my son. Don't EVER confuse the two!!

OCTOBER 11,2011  Jonathon Botelho

ugh

Not sure why this bothers me but it does, and what really sucks is that I DONT want it to! ugh.

Kristopher has kown hes adopted since, like birth. He knows he didn't grow in my belly but in TiTi's. Recently ive been telling him about his brother (from bio mom ) and he is very excited to know he has a brother since all he has are sisters. Sometimes I feel im not enough for him, that our family isn't enough.  I know rationally that isn't true, I know we are his mommy and daddy and sisters.  But I didn't give him a brother. He wont grow up with him, he wont see him every day, so he will be missing something. He will be missing something I cant fulfill. I love his bio mom, she is like my daughter, her son is loved by me also, but she has something I don't, kristophers brother. im sure she feels the same about me sometimes, and so I know it sucks! We both love him so very much and we both have his love in different ways.  Sometimes I wish I could be enough for him sometimes I wish I didn't have to share his love, but then I think of my son! How could I deny him his roots? How could I deny him his bio brother? I couldn't! I wouldn't, I will just have to put my insecurities aside for him, and embrace it all! This is the hidden or ugly side of adoption. We all have to to put ourselves out there for the child, knowing sometimes it may not always end up good! Im lucky, WE are lucky, we have a great growing relationship with his bio mom and will continue to grow as an extended family..

brothers, sisters, and all inbetween!

While this post doesn't have a lot to do with open adoption, it still falls along the lines of adoption. Today is my moms birthday, she would have been 74 but God decided he needed her in heaven with my Dad so he called her home last October 25. How ironic, that is my birthday. Being adopted, and being an only child, the thought of loosing my mom after my dad passed really scared me. Who would love me unconditionally like they did, who will have my back no matter what, will accept all my faults, will be there for me?  Those were all questions I asked for years to myself. Yes im married and have an incredible husband, and incredible children, but once my mom passed, I felt alone, kind of like no one to connect to. 4 years ago I  met my brother. To most people who have siblings im sure your thinking,,ya so? But to me it was priceless!!! YES my husband is awesome and my kids are great but I have have a connection! I real life connection! my mom and dad are gone but somewhere in this world I had a brother! WHO KNEW? lol We goof around like any other brother or sister, we get on each others nerves, ( he irritates me ) shhh lol, but hes mine. He is part of me and I am part of him and there is nothing he or I can do about it ! I wish he was around to piss me off as a child but that was not our destiny. Hes here now, and no matter what "mom" raised us, we are still connected, no paper, no nothing can change the fact that I am connected to someone.  To most people with brothers and sisters take that for granted like im sure my kiddos do, but for someone like me, knowing I have this person out there that will have my back, accept me no matter how irritating I can be, is comforting. I don't feel like an "orphan". I have an amazing family, my aunt is a constant and important part of my life and so is my husband and kids, sometimes I wonder  if she feels the way I do, her sister (my mom) is gone, her brother has passed also,we kind of have each other. Im just glad that I have a sibling, that I was fortunate enough to find him, that he was accepting enough to have me, and no matter what, im not alone. I grew up an only child wanting and hoping for a sibling, and low and behold 37 years later, I got one  :)

damaged adoptees!

Sometimes I never think about  being adopted, Sometimes its all I can think about. There are times I realize that some of my behaviors even as an adult are a product of me being adopted. I shy away from physical affection, hugs, kisses etc. Not that my mom and dad didn't hug or kiss me or tell me they loved me! GOD if they didn't do it 10 times a day they never did lol.  It is common for adoption issues to remain hidden until adolescence. Sometimes kids  seems well adjusted and happy during the early years and then everything comes out during the teen years. It is also very common for some kids to stay in denial and hide deep feelings from their parents.  Even though we may have been adopted into great families like I was, we are still "damaged." I HATE that word, but it kind of fits. Our biological parents did some damage to us, we suffered the loss of our biological parents, the loss of our biological siblings (if any) the loss of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. As an adult now I realize , wow I acted out!!! Not crazy things, but subtle, to make my point know.  In my younger years, I would say "your not my real mother" as a teen I would say, " you don't know what its like to be pregnant and have a baby, so don't lecture me " GOD how awful!!! I was "testing" the one woman who showed me unconditional love! I was hurting the one person who would have my back no matter what! I did that because somewhere DEEP inside me I doubted! (how can someone who didn't carry me, give birth to me) love me the way she says???? I went through my life thinking that UNTIL the day my son came into my life, not by birth! He was handed to me, someone else carried him, gave birth to him, but yet my love for him was unwavering! THEN, THEN I understood! There was nothing that could change my love for him. That's when I understood! It took me until adulthood to realize that my mom and dad HAD PURE LOVE for me!!Not a little love,  not pitty love, but they loved me as their own!!! As an adoptive mom, I know I may have to deal with this with my son, but nothing, nothing he would do or say will change my love for him.   "Not flesh of my bone, but still miraculously my own, never forget for a minute,  you didn't grow under my heart, but in it! "  Us adopted children need support, even as adults. Our grief over the loss of our biological parents is REAL! If the adoptive parents are not willing to acknowledge the loss, expect rebellion from your adopted child! It can be worse if your child doesn't look like the family. That child is smacked with the fact that they are different. No matter how much you love, hug , kiss, give , will never change that for that child. Adopted children need to know their feelings of loss are VALIDATED!!!!!!! We who have been adopted SUFFERED, yes suffered loss! We lost a lot! If the adoptive parents cant or wont validate that then shame on them! No matter how bad,  no matter how "defective" no matter what, validate that childs feelings! My son knows he is loved. And I know he may need to grieve sometime later in life, and if and when  that is, I will be there to validate his feelings, and be his rock!

who are we??

How do we define ourselves? that's a question ive asked myself a lot lately. I am a  mom, a daughter, wife, friend, aunt, niece, teacher, biker. There is also a lot more to me that I cant find adjectives to describe. I am navigating this open adoption basically on my own. I am a mom to my 5 girls and my 1 son. My girls have sisters and a brother, and my son has sisters and a brother, But there is a difference, He doesn't share a brother with any one! He has know about his adoption since he was able to understand. I have never kept the secret of him having a brother.  Latley ive had mixed advise/feelings from people. There are 2 basic things,,,,
1. omg you told him he has a brother??
2. Does he know why his brother isn't with him?
To both those questions the answer is a resounding YES!
I had to wait 37 years to know I had a sibling (brother) there was no way I was going to let my son loose out on what I lost out on. Yes he has sisters who let me tell you will show their claws if ANYONE messes with their brother! But  2 boys, brothers, that's something that will be special to him.  K (bio mom) and I are navigating this on our own! We have no help. We have no support except each other. Both of us have our fears going forward. I listen to her worries and she listens to mine. Our story is ever evolving! Not sure if I will ever be able to define myself as others do. Not sure she will, not sure my son will, but one thing is for sure, we are a FAMILY! That blood is thicker than water crap, can go take a hike! I will say, we may not be able to define ourselves as individuals, but saying Family sounds great to me!