WOW

wow,, not much more i can say,,, cept wow. i hate it when people assume,,,it makes an ASS out of U and ME!
 I posted something on my my fb wall and someone ASSUMED it was about them,,then blasted me with a status! WOW..

 feel as its all to me if that's how u feel talk to me I'm not a ass hole I liston .... all ur comments I read & to b honest I felt it was to me so I'm not gonna assume but I will make this clear I don't need nuthing from no one my son is well tooking care of by me nd me only people show him love & emotion nd its great since he don't have meny people in his life ..... also I love u n ur family to deathh I have tryeddd for 6 yrs to b the person u all want me too b but now I have to b a mother 2 the one that didn't get tooking from me the right wayyy as I feel is right for my son ... I don't use no onne I barely talk to anyone I'm bout to lv here n get my own nd when I do I won't b arround much to talk to anyone I have me n naythan to worry bout I need to make sure mhy life is good for naythans life to b goood idc no more bout what people think or sayy & when I read that I was like wow cause truely who would u be talking about ?? But if I'm rong then I'm sorry for assumin it was to me but the rest is factor ... cause I'm me regardlesss & I'm sick of thinking I have to kiss peoples ass to see kristopher it ain't far to me I have done nuthing but try n try nd if people truely care bout me then they will stick by me regardlesss includen all of u I shouldn't have to worry or care what u guys thinkk I should have to b scaredd to go out n be judged I'm 23 nd I have made a god dam good improvement in my life n if no one sees it screw um idc no more ..... I beeen going threw a lot but yet no one sees how I'm doing n truely care they jus being noisyy it don't work that wayyy I'm not trying at alll to start a fight I'm jus telling u how I feel honestly .....

COP OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been reading adoption information for years now, and the common denominator is that a birth parent says they place because its best for the baby! Im going to make this very easy for you to follow.   Here are a few of the reasons birth parents use for the reliquinshment of their child.

1.  I have  no money
2. I have no support
3. I have no stable place  to live
4. I have no baby daddy support
5. I have no way to finish school/graduate
6. I don't know how I will do it!

Ok , i have given you 6 GENERIC reasons birth parents give when they relinquish their child.
What do you see as the common demoninator>>> I I I I I
Not BABY, or my child, but I I I I I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No one can make me believe those reasons are legit!
Its a cop out!

There is  only ONE reason that can legit make adoption OK,  if  AFTER trying to parent, the birth parent realizes they are  unable to do it!!!
No child should be relinquished at birth! ITs  a total cop out if you do!!!!!!! UGH

life is changing

Today our oldest child turns 18!  ITs such a weird time for me. i realized she is no longer my responsiblity legally! For 18 years ive been legally bound to feed, clothe, educate, house, etc. Im having a hard enough time dealing with one being legal age, next year it will be another one!!! I feel like all my ducklings are getting ready to leave my nest! I used to think this was a good thing, a fun thing,,,sooo not the case!!!! Im feeling lost, scared, and so wanting to regain my authority!!!! UGHHH !!!!!! I want to be able to continue to protect them all! protect them from the things that they dont even realize exhist in this awful world! i know some parents cant wait till their kids are 18 because they can sit back and relax, NOW i think the real worry begins!!! We have one after another turning 18 not even getting a break! i want to turn back time! i wish i had 4 kiddos under 5 again!!!! it was a crazy time, but i knew i could protect them! Now with Brandi being 18 and Jessika  a year behind, id give my right arm for those toddler days!  Needing my ducklings all in a row again!

letter

a while ago i typed a letter to my birthmother. It wasnt  meant to be warm and fuzzy, it was supposed to speak the truth.  The truth as i see it. 40 years ago she decided to place me and walk out of my life, and march 11 2009 i allowed her back in, only to yup, walk bak out again in octobWer of this year claiming she needed to work on her issue.

Well today she got the letter i wrote. needless to say she was pissed off!!! some how again i am the reason for her issues. i spoke the truth, she didnt "place me" she gave away her kid, and i said just that! no false statement there! She used to hold all the cards in her hands, didnt want me to tell my brother i exhisted, wanted full controll of our meeting, full control of when she met my family, well with that letter I TOOK BACK MY CONTROL!!!!!  IT KINDA SUX HURTING PEOPLE TO REGAIN MYSELF, BUT IT HAD TO BE DONE!

My journey with adoption began before I was born. It was the 1970s unwed pregnancy was still a hush-hush topic, shrouded in shame. 

She gave birth to me in a medication-induced haze , and then I was the one who was whisked away. She never saw me or held me. She signed the paperwork that said she was giving me up of her own free will and was not coerced.

I don’t have a conscious memory of the first hours of my life, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a lot of fun, and on some level, I probably do have a memory of that time that I hold in my body and carry to this day. In those days, it was believed (and a lot of people still believe this) that an infant could be separated from its biological mother and given to another caregiver, and, as long as its basic needs were met by someone, the infant wouldn’t know the difference.  I believe the infant very much notices the absence of the biological mother that it has bonded with in the womb. I believe that I felt my birthmother's absence in every cell of my body, and knew thatsomething had gone terribly wrong. Fear, rage, powerlessness: this was my introduction to the world.


Its been 40 years and i still have trouble with affection, i shy away from physical touch, more likely than not because for the first 5 days of my life,  i was left alone in a nursery awaiting my adoptive parents to be allowed to see me and touch me.  i was never held by my biological mother let alone loved by her.  being adopted isnt something that goes away, its not something that you can forget, it stays with you, it haunts you, thats why adoption reform is so much needed.  people deserve to know their original birth names! they deserve to know their biological families names! they deserve to know their roots no matter how good or bad!!! 
adoptive parents wonder why sometimes their adoptive children are acting out,,,HELLOOOOOOO these children have suffered a loss! A genuine and real loss! they lost the first person in their life that they had a connection too. its real!!!! children need to be given a chance to grieve that loss! sometimes the grief is accepted at an early age, but not always the case! my son was  ok, and i thank god for that, but i believe its because we have an open and honest relationship with kayla, he may feel the loss of his bio father, but i believe dans love and time with him will elivate all issues!!!

wish, prayer hope!

there isnt much that gets me nervous, roller coasters, planes, needles, adoption. oh did i say adoption?
 Yup at times it makes me nervous.  Being adopted myself, i try not to let it define me.  Now that kristopher is getting older, i know the "real" time is comming.  If you ask him he will tell you he grew in tee tees belly.  Yet he  doesnt understand the full concept! ITs right around the corner and yup it makes me nervous.  Nervous that i wont live up to his expectations , that im not enough! Having Naythan here helps, it makes me feel better, because kris will know we accept naythan as part of our family .  people look at me and say,, wow u have it all together, when in reality i dont! im not an expert, im not perfect, im not  super mom, im just an average woman, going through life like every one! My girls know i love them, there isnt a doubt, but being adopted, as much as we love our son, im so worried that he wont feel it enough.  I want him to know that he not only has 5 sisters that love him more than life, but a biological brother who will hopefully look up to him someday, and kris can "show him the ropes" Thats my wish, thats my prayer, that's my hope!!!!!

im back!

gosh its been a longg time since i blogged.  ive been busy, work, kids, taking care of my mom, its exhausting.  I blog alot about adoption, and how i like openess, but here is a reason i now want to take a step back. back in october, i received a txt from my birth mother, stating that SHE needs to work on her issues so she needs to be alone! hmmm isnt that the reason you gave me up? oh, wait she uses "placed" so more politically correct! NOT!
I allowed this stranger into my life, a life she chose to walk away from 40 years ago. Again, i get shit on! i must have a sign across my forehead, go ahead, shit on me! Not many people have to feel rejection 2 times in their life, but guess who won that prize too...ME! Rejected! I have an open adoption for my son because i dont want him to ever feel rejected, but sometimes i want to put him in a bubble so he never has to feel the pain that i do. Adoption shouldnt be a term that defines a person, it should just be a part of them, but for many like myself, it has become who we are, adopted, (given up, tossed aside) i hope adoption reform begins to change this, my hope is that no child will ever feel the pain of rejection and by having an open adoption from the get go will hopefully eleiviate this!